29 March 2016

183,000 Stages of Grief - Surprised

Greetings Dear Reader,

We search for feelings that we lack but desire.  C.S. Lewis wrote an amazing work, Surprised by Joy detailing his search for joy.  Sometimes I am surprised by grief.  There are times when it stalks and pounces me like a ravenous tiger. 

So many things can set it off.  It depends on the nature of the grief.  The old wounds get opened by events, anniversaries, and things.  The wrong song can rip open an old loss.  The right conversation can put me back in the moment of loss and pain.  Circumstances trigger strong feelings and the energy I need for other tasks goes to fending off or processing those feelings.

We erroneously respond inwardly or even outwardly to the pain and loss.  We are in the moment but others see it as past.  Some wounds never truly heal.  I have minor reminders of loss every day.  Those I process fairly well.  It is the unexpected reminder or conjunction of events that can cut the deepest.

It is not that I do not accept what the Father allows.  He is with me.  There will be pain in this life.  I am on a journey back to good and no pain.   What I am not able to do is leave all the pain behind yet.  Without my faith there would never be joy.  Without following my direction would be lost.

The conjunction of Resurrection Sunday and Rachel’s birthday combined to put my back in the moments of loss of family, life, and stability.  The losses have mounted to this place where I live alone and spend too much time in solitude.  I will get through it but if I do not face it a greater event will build inside me.

When surprised by grief this year I could see that I had a choice to deal with it or suppress it.  In choosing to deal with it I had to do so in the right way.  Paul tells us to “be angry and not sin.”   I would say that we have to do the same with grief.  Feel pain, loss, betrayal, and abandonment and do not sin. 

As my Grandfather would say, “do what is right even when it hurts.”  I have to not use others.  I must not be harsh or impatient with others.  I must feel what I feel without lashing out or transferring.  With all this in mind, the only way out is still through it.

The through it is realizing that I am not alone in my pain and grief.  My loss is shared by others.  Even alone in the dark I am not truly alone.  When I cannot walk I am carried.  When I cannot sleep my cries are not unheard.  As with all things, however, this takes faith.  I believe, Lord help my unbelief. 

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn
Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

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