Second Thoughts ~ A Day of Wondering

Greetings Dear Reader,

Sometimes I will end the day with thoughts that are important to get out.  Usually I just write them and put them in my journal folder.  I have chosen that on occasion I will share them with you, Dear Reader.

Today is my Daughter, Rachel’s birthday.  This is going to sound dark but I promise it ends well.  Her death changed so many things in my life and the lives of my family.  I have spent the morning in silence thinking about my life since her departure from it.

I still have so much pain in regards to her loss.  There is this thing that happens.  As parents we store up so much love for our children when we really love them.  When they die it has no place to go.  It shifts to pain and questions.  It transforms to bitterness if we are not careful.  You do not get over it or past it.   

Some years the pain is deeper than others.  This year it is heavy and dark.  This year I want to flee from everything that hurts and become solitary in solitude.  That, however, would dishonor my Daughter who has died and my Children who live.  They all have their own pain associated with death.  I do not fully understand theirs and I know that no human has plumbed the depths of mine.

Still the day is the day.  I will mark it, I will grieve and follow on to what is next.  This pain reminds me to love deeper.  It moves me to believe with more certainty.  It asks me to measure the fullness of my faith and then find more. 

I see why it is so important to me that others come to me when I am in need.  The cycles of abandonment and pain of loss bubble in the mire of my darkness.  Departed too soon she is a reminder of this.  She is a focus for the dark rays spawned by loss.  I cannot change this.  I can only move through the journey in faith that it is not all there is.   She cannot come to me.  Some day, when the time is right and I have traveled far enough, I will go to her.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

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