A Stack of Books and A Leap of Faith

Greetings Dear Readers,

Very often we want things for a good reason. Sometimes, along the way the wanting of the thing takes the place of the reason that we want it. For years I have wanted set of books that I only used briefly in the mid 80's. Over the years of wanting them the depth of my understanding of their purpose gave way to just wanting to possess them.

As my beloved wife Avalon leaves me for what she thinks is a better life, I have asked the same question of my feelings for her. Do I really love her or am I just trying to hold onto something I want having forgotten what it truly is? The true and harsh answer is both. I want MY WIFE. I do not want to go through the rejection, betrayal, violation of promises, and pain involved in a woman who vowed to stay with me for life deciding she does not have to abide by that promise. The last I checked I am not dead.

On the other hand, I truly do love her and know the meaning of that love. I have listened to others, as I go through this process, say things about Avalon that they would not say while she was in my life. The hard part is that the things that are being said are true. They are not pretty nor are they things I would allow myself to think about her. As I admit that there are some very unlovely things that are true about my departing spouse, I also realize that beyond on them I truly love her. It was an error to blind myself to those things and to not seek Christ's healing of my fears and her flaws in our marriage. It is necessary to never stop loving her, to see her as she is and constantly remember why I loved her from the beginning.

It is also necessary, for the sake of my own healing, to see her as she is, warts and all. I have done a good job of owning my own sin and failures. I have not been willing to remember that she is just as fallen as I am and that she has chosen a path contrary to the expressed desires of Christ. I must love her even though she rends me. I must remember the real reasons I loved her from the beginning and no matter what she does, see her as she is and continue to lover her.

I recently bought the books I spoke of earlier. I can see them from where I sit. I have delved deeply into them and remembered why I love them so much. They have something to teach me on every page. I bought them to remind me that you do not go into things so that you can blind yourself to what they are, but rather in faith see things as they are and work to make them more as God intended. Each time I study from my new books I intend to check on my faithfulness to seeing things as they are and not as I imagine or wish them to be. I will still look toward what they can become in Christ, but will do my best not to be blind to the wounds that need healing first. I failed Avalon in not seeing what she needed and I failed my sons in not seeing how those needs effected them and my relationship with them.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn