Rachael’s Birthday

Greetings Dear Readers,

Today is my first Daughter’s birthday. She is not here. I cannot hold her. My younger Son, Bezel and I spoke last night and he reminded me that she would be a senior in high school now. He spoke of having to go to the school daily to remind the boys to stay away. We used to celebrate her birthday by getting a family gift and having a cake. We talked for a bit about all the things that might be were she here.

I see her all the time. She would have her mother’s hair and smile. She would probably have my sarcastic wit; both of my Sons do. I wonder often what things would be like had she lived. My first marriage may have survived. I might probably still be teaching at my original school. Things might be very different and then again they might not. I will not secretly lay my failures on the spirit of my departed Rachael. Instead I think that I will work harder to adopt the spirit my Sons have taken with each other. I will honor her by being an example to my Sons, my Daughter, my Students and my Friends.

I have failed much in my life but that is not how the story ends. Christ knew before he formed me when and how I would fail him. He still chose to form me, love me, and redeem me. He still chose to call me to himself and I am learning better ways to honor that love. This has been a very painful but growing year. My heart is both heavy and soaring all at once. I know Christ has used me to help others, but I also know there are some barriers I cannot reach across.

Old patterns try to get my attention but I refuse. So tonight I will gather with my Son Maxim, his lovely wife Raven, and my adopted Daughter Christmas to remember and recall the love I have that I cannot share with Rachael yet. She will not come to me but some day I will go to her. Soon my other Son Bezel will join us here and we will build together a more solid and healed family that lives to serve Christ. We will honor those we cannot hold by holding onto the one who keeps them in his hand.

I wish you happy birthday, Rachael. Know that we love you and miss you.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn