183,000 Stages of Grief – Resigned – Closing Thoughts

Greetings Dear Reader,

Since the only way out is through I must resign myself to how I feel this year.  In the midst of this I know that the Father is faithful.  I know that he has not left me alone in my grief.  I also know that he is only as effective as a I allow him to be for me. 

As I watch others endure grief I am thankful that I do not sorrow without hope.  It does not remove the pain.  It does provide direction and motivation.  Even when I travel in pain I do so in faith.  I feel pity for those who encounter grief and have lost or never had faith to see them through it.

I recall the hopelessness involved in loss when before I had faith.  It was so devastating.  The losses since are just as painful but there is hope.  That is the substance of continuing.  That is that energy that keeps me moving. 

Death and the grave will not win.  The pain will pass.  For now it will subside.  Days will flow through the glass and perhaps my passing will cause grief and loss for others.  I would rather that the Father set all things right sooner.  For now I follow in faith.  For now the only answer I have is Jesus.  “Don’t ask me for the answers; I’ve only got one.  A man leaves his darkness when he follows the Son.”

Broken – Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain (in the pain), is there healing

In your name (in your name) I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin') I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain(In the pain) there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

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183,000 Stages of Grief - Besieged

Greetings Dear Reader,

Some days this blank page is a monster that taunts me.  That is the case today.  I do not wish to deal with the honest raw emotions that are clamoring for attention.  I would rather delve into some creative writing or other distraction.  I have, however, made a commitment.

When my heart besieges me in this way writing is very difficult.  It is also difficult to be honest about the ways in which grief besieges me.  It shuts down all my motivation.  It turns my movements into leaden weights.  It turns air into molasses.  I still must move.  I still live and be and accomplish.

I will follow in faith but today I would rather be carried.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

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183,000 Stages of Grief - Surprised

Greetings Dear Reader,

We search for feelings that we lack but desire.  C.S. Lewis wrote an amazing work, Surprised by Joy detailing his search for joy.  Sometimes I am surprised by grief.  There are times when it stalks and pounces me like a ravenous tiger. 

So many things can set it off.  It depends on the nature of the grief.  The old wounds get opened by events, anniversaries, and things.  The wrong song can rip open an old loss.  The right conversation can put me back in the moment of loss and pain.  Circumstances trigger strong feelings and the energy I need for other tasks goes to fending off or processing those feelings.

We erroneously respond inwardly or even outwardly to the pain and loss.  We are in the moment but others see it as past.  Some wounds never truly heal.  I have minor reminders of loss every day.  Those I process fairly well.  It is the unexpected reminder or conjunction of events that can cut the deepest.

It is not that I do not accept what the Father allows.  He is with me.  There will be pain in this life.  I am on a journey back to good and no pain.   What I am not able to do is leave all the pain behind yet.  Without my faith there would never be joy.  Without following my direction would be lost.

The conjunction of Resurrection Sunday and Rachel’s birthday combined to put my back in the moments of loss of family, life, and stability.  The losses have mounted to this place where I live alone and spend too much time in solitude.  I will get through it but if I do not face it a greater event will build inside me.

When surprised by grief this year I could see that I had a choice to deal with it or suppress it.  In choosing to deal with it I had to do so in the right way.  Paul tells us to “be angry and not sin.”   I would say that we have to do the same with grief.  Feel pain, loss, betrayal, and abandonment and do not sin. 

As my Grandfather would say, “do what is right even when it hurts.”  I have to not use others.  I must not be harsh or impatient with others.  I must feel what I feel without lashing out or transferring.  With all this in mind, the only way out is still through it.

The through it is realizing that I am not alone in my pain and grief.  My loss is shared by others.  Even alone in the dark I am not truly alone.  When I cannot walk I am carried.  When I cannot sleep my cries are not unheard.  As with all things, however, this takes faith.  I believe, Lord help my unbelief. 

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

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183,000 Stages of Grief – Opening Thoughts

Greetings Dear Reader,

I promised not to get too morose and not to belabor this too much.   As grief revisited me yesterday I also watched a dear friend encounter a holiday weekend with fresh grief.  It occurs to me that some forms of grief impact us differently than others.

While the renewed pain is still fresh and I have the courage to walk through it I need to explore this recurring, almost debilitating feeling.  I could not be all that I wanted to be yesterday; a day of celebration.  Even today I feel beset by the desire to sit in silence and solitude and weep over things I cannot change or control. 

It is not a depression.  It is not a dramatic display of histrionics.  It is a raw pain that erupts from time to time and takes me longer to master.  The pain is always there.  Most days it is a manageable ache in my spirit that propels me to be compassionate.   It keeps me aware that others are in pain.  It keeps me looking for ways to show love and kindness to others.

Yesterday, however,   I did not even wish to get out of bed.  I did not wish to be kind or loving to anyone.  I wanted to sink into the depth of my sorrow and relive all my loss.  That, however, is not the right thing to do.  It is not who I am made to be as a Christ follower.

I grieve the grave but not the girl.  I hurt in hope.  We talk about stages of grief.  There are so many and I must walk through a few to get out of this place.  I could use your company Dear Reader. 

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

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