Imagined Smiles of those Unmet

Greetings Dear Reader,

Some dates and memories are unavoidable. As I travel the path toward Christ there are smiles I have never seen that encourage me along the way. Those smiles are bittersweet but so vital to some aspects of my journey. I have a sister and daughter that I have never held. I know of other children who have not seen their first year; children who were loved, wanted, and anticipated with joy.

At times others have questioned my love and memory of these children. At times I have made poor choices out of the pain of the losses. At times I have gone a day or two without thinking about them. The guilt of those times is often irrepressible. Most of the time, however, they are there, Will O’ The Wisps of unfulfilled dreams and memories unlived.

When I fail, I feel as much pain regarding them as I do my living children. When I succeed I wonder what they would say or feel in response to my victories. I probably not understand the loss of these children this side of the clearing but I do know that even in their absence they impact me.

When milestones and birthdays come I wonder and imagine. Sometimes I can see what might have been just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision. Sometimes I feel foolish and simple. Then the comfort comes. There is so much pain these little ones will never know. There is so much that will never harm them. That alone is reason enough to see God’s wisdom in choosing to keep them for his own.

I see the vast errors in my life and a small comfort is that there are some dear to my unharmed by them. I see the cancers that are eating our world and know they will not be harmed by them. This is the very grain of sand that irritates my faith. It is also the balm that sooths the irritation. I know so little about why God chooses to allow some hopes to become pain, but I know he is certain that his choices are for the best of all concerned. I cannot claim to be sure every moment, but on balance I trust that their absence is in best interest for them and for me.

Today I woke up missing them dearly and thought I would share them with you for a moment. Some of you have suffered the same or similar losses. Imagine with me for a moment the reassuring smiles of little ones who find their destiny to be that of never knowing anything but the loving presence of the Father.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn
Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every scribe who has become a disciple of the kingdom of heaven is like a home owner. He brings new and old things out of his treasure store."