On Lonely Hearts – Hardening My Heart

Greetings Dear Reader,

Broken - Listen to the whole song here

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life - Lifehouse

Perhaps one of the things that is most dangerous when a heart is broken is that in an attempt to heal it we harden it.  I have mentioned that there have been many temptations along the path and this one has been the greatest.  When the loneliness is at its darkest I feel deep sirens call to get my needs met at the expense of anyone and anything.  People have been in my path more than willing to help me do that.

I often joke that my fatal flaw is that I care.  In truth I really do.  Caring assures that I will get hurt.  It is also what keeps me from indulging the parts of me that are malignant and selfish.  There was a time when I did not care.  During that time I mastered the ability of looking good and happy on the outside whilst I was nothing but anger on the inside. 

I was so close to being permanently heard hearted towards everything.  The roots of this malignancy are why I failed in my first marriage.  Fortunately I learned my lesson.  The voice is always there reminding me how painless it is to seal away my heart and not allow others to hurt me.  The problem is that if I indulge that voice I cannot be of any positive use to others. 

One of the lies that the broken heart tells us is to become hardened.  Every relationship that ends between Christ followers is a result of a hardened heart.  Even in cases of genuine abuse the abuser has hardened his heart to the truths of how others should be treated.  Those who abandon a marriage for lesser reasons have hardened their hearts toward what Christ calls us to be to each other. 

There have been moments over the last few years where the dark loneliness has tempted me to put up barriers around my heart.  The voice of my fallen self sometimes argues that I would be better off if I just gave in to the protections that it offers.  This is the path that I must not go down ever again.  This comes late at night when I am alone and feeling the lack of companionship, feeling the absence of that special connection at its keenest.

Hardening a broken heart will only damage me and those around me.  So I sit up through the pain seeking Christ and knowing that he knows me.  Knowing that there is life beyond the pain brings hope.  I am writing about this for the same reason.  There is no magic cure for the pain or a platitude to ease the burden.  What there is for me and anyone else is the hope that Christ can use brokenness to help in reaching out to others.  He can use that brokenness to draw us closer to who he wishes us to be.

So…

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, 

you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, 

to the words you say
You said that I will, 

will be okay – Lifehouse

 

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store."