On Lonely Hearts – The Void

Greetings Dear reader,

Broken

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name

I find meaning - Lifehouse

As many of you know a few years ago Avalon decided to end our marriage.  I do not know if I have yet recovered from this.  I mostly think that I never will.  I have learned something very valuable in the midst of this forced exile and would be remiss in my duty to you as my reader were I to not share it.  It is painful but true and, therefore, I hope of value.  There is in truth a quality of beauty that can aid us through the pain.

I am a romantic.  I have this huge part of my heart that loves deeply and eternally.  That heart is broken in ways I could not imagine and I have found no permanent solace for it.  My mind plays this cruel trick on me sometimes where I wake up in the morning and I have dreamed about Avalon being there.  The dream is so real that I forget for a moment that it is not true and I roll over to hug her and give her a soft kiss on the forehead.  Instead there is only the empty cold bed where she used to lie.

 The illusion passes quickly enough but the pain of a reopened wound lingers for days.  What I do to deal with this is what is of value.  Perhaps it can help someone else deal with a pain of the heart for which there is no solace.  You see the pain drives me to God in a way that other things do not. 

When I feel the vastness of holes in my heart I know that there are no human ways for me to salve the pain.  If I am to be what I must be in the other parts of my life I must not allow this void to become what holds me.  I know of no way to do this on my own so I pour my heart out to God over it.  Sometime the relief is instant, but others like this past couple of weeks the pain is there as a constant echo in everything I do.

The benefit is that in every situation I find myself asking Christ for clarity in what I say and do so that I do not focus on my own needs but on the needs of others.  When I can work past the pain to being there for another in the moment, I am able to share an unconditional love for that person that can only be Christ reaching past and through me to him or her.  I know that this matters more than my emotional loneliness.

I do not claim to have understanding of this nor do I believe that I can recommend this as a path to understanding how much Christ wishes us to be selfless.  What I can say is that in the midst of a broken heart for which I see little hope of healing I do see that life is more than that.  I do see that Christ loves me in the midst of it and if I am willing he will still use me to show his love to others.  There may be no remedy for this wound but it is enough for now if I can out of my brokenness help heal the greater wounds of others.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store."