On Lonely Hearts – Snake Oil

Greetings Dear Reader,

Broken

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now But I haven't forgotten my way home - Lifehouse

In my last post I wrote about the actual void of my broken heart.  I want to genuinely address the things that will not work but that we commonly try to use to fill the void.  In the years since I became unwillingly single I have dealt with advice, choices, and temptations.  Most of the things that offer to heal my pain are merely snake oil and will either do nothing or worse, harm me.

It is easy in our society to find myriads of people who will simply tell me to find someone to help me forget about Avalon.  In that very idea is a lie.  If I find someone to help me forget or move on, then I am using that person.  There is no peace available in using others for my own pleasure or relief.  I admit that there could be momentary relief but the long term benefit does not exist.  Instead there is long term regret and hurt to be had in this stance.

In this I must also consider my children.  My choices in the past have harmed them greatly.  Avalon’s departure did the same.  I will not indulge in things to ameliorate my own pain just so that I can feel relief and at the same time put my children through an emotional gauntlet.  I must face them with integrity and I cannot do that if I act on the easy solaces for my pain that are not moral or proper.

I am not just talking about sex here.  My emotional need for companionship is just at tempted to take up relief that is not healthy.  It may be that the social or emotional side or my loneliness is more dangerous than my physical desires.  Since I feel everything very deeply it is too easy to be tempted to lay aside what is right for the emotional fix of a pretty smile or a kind word. 

I have had some very excellent conversations with women who expressed interest in me and pondered the possibility of something more.  None of them, however, knew how internally damaged I am.  I have a long way to go before I can freely focus on the wellbeing of another instead of seeking to get my own needs met.  All around me are offers of dalliances, dating services, and determined friends who think they know what I need.  None of this is a proper solution to my needs. 

The only solace I find is that I am directing most of the energy here into two things and they are both working it seems.  The first is that when the pain is at its worst I am delving deeper into pondering who Christ is in the midst of it and how I can know him better.  This has produced a pattern of prayer and dependency that seems healthier than I have had.  I cannot image moving through this wilderness without Christ and that leads me to the second benefit.

The second is a growing awareness of ways in which to show genuine Christ centered love to others.  I had a conversation with a lovely young woman just recently who so desperately needed just to be reassured that she was more than her good looks.  Her looks had been her tool for success most of her adult life.  Now she is trying to get by on her faith and learn to be something more.  It was an honor to reassure her that she is both intelligent and who she is in Christ is something the world needs. 

Again the truth plays out.  If I set aside self and do not yield to the false reliefs offered in our culture then I can make a difference in the lives of others.  It neither fills the void that is there when night descends nor does it give me the emotional companionship I need.  It does, however, allow me perspective on those feelings that perhaps I am becoming something more than I was.  Perhaps eventually that will be enough.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store."