Second Thoughts ~ Single Awareness Day

Greetings Dear Reader,

I am quite aware today that I am single.  I walk a fine line where what I desire is not available and what is available is not meant for me.  This may sound odd but it is evidence that I have learned from my failures.  Today reminds me though, that I am a romantic with no one to romance.

This begs the question of how to fulfill that need without leaving the path that is so vital to my journey.  I have no clear and clean answer but I do have practices that mitigate the loneliness and longing.  There are things that train me to be a better man.

Let me be clear again.  My situation is mostly my fault.  Two women have been brave enough to love me and marry me.  I failed them both.  I gave up on my first marriage and was so demanding in the second.  Even though all of our commitments are our own to fulfill, I did not do what I should to love and care for the women that loved me.  I have learned a great deal since then.

As holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day remind me, I love someone and am not able to repair what is there.  So again, it is up to me to strike the balance of holding to my true heart and ensuring that I do not try to force or manipulate things to my desire.  There is a higher way and I must do whatever it takes to walk it.

Being alone has worked in me to see people for what they need.  Committing my heart to love everyone deeply and passionately helps.  Seeking every day to love the Father passionately and as my first love sustains me.  The deeper I go in this the more clearly I see that who I have been is very difficult to love.

Stripping away expectations from my interactions with others teaches me to see them for their gifts and needs instead of a way to meet my own needs.  The loneliness is real for me but focusing on being loving without expectations fulfills me.  When my lesser self tries to assert its desires, I can focus on genuine love instead of seeking my own interests.  The gap shrinks every time I do this.  I am able to refocus on that which is good and right faster.

The other thing that occurs is that loving others first, unconditionally, and without expectations frees me to see their needs.  When we give ourselves away in the right way, what comes out of that is richer than my selfish needs.  There is a level of fulfillment in loving others for the sake of loving the Father that I have not seen before in my heart.  I have more love to show and give.  I am not setting out expectations that when not met cause hurt and anger. 

The things for which I yearn are based on that love.  Power and control have nothing to do with it.  It is the freedom to love without placing others in a box or corner.  It is seeing those I love as the Father made them and being at peace with what they offer that contains life. 

What I find myself wanting is only the Father’s best for others.  I still miss my fellow traveler.  I still desire to adventure the rest of the journey home with her.  I also long to be at peace with those I love deeply who have set me aside.  The truth, however, is this:  If the Father thought it best for us that those relationships were as I wish them to be, nothing could stop it.  There is great peace in yielding to this truth and grasping firmly on the love that gives it resolve. 

So, on this Single Awareness Day, I tighten my resolve to love them as deeply as I can.  I vow to respect the boundaries they have set for me.  I will grasp any opportunity to show them the love that I have for them.  I will retire to my rest praying for the Father to so clothe them in his love that it is all they see.  I hold this same love and hope for you Dear Reader.  Perhaps we can understand that it is pursuing this love is the thing about which we must become singularly aware.  This may sound reckless but it is true and sustainable.

Reckless Love – Cory Asbury

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me

You have been so, so good to me

Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me

You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me

You have been so, so good to me

When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me

You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

There’s no shadow You won’t light up

Mountain You won’t climb up

Coming after me

There’s no wall You won’t kick down

Lie You won’t tear down

Coming after me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

 

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a homeowner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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Second Thoughts ~ Single Awareness Day

Greetings Dear Reader,

Sometimes I will end the day with thoughts that are important to get out.  Usually I just write them and put them in my journal folder.  I have chosen that on occasion I will share them with you, Dear Reader.

I have commented before on what a broken heart I have.  It seems that Single Awareness Day (Valentine’s Day) is harder to endure every year.  I just cannot find I toehold out of the place I am in.  I do not with to in any way detract from the joy of those who have found love.  I wish great blessings upon them.

I do, however, wish to come along side those for whom this is a difficult day and let you know that you are not alone.  We are alone together.  I realize that does not cure our ills but I hope that it gives you a little peace.

My heart is weary and worn.  It struggles with even the idea of trying to love someone romantically again.  Unfortunately, I am a romantic.  I will never give up on the idea or ideal of love.  Rather, I will use the shards of my heart to let love flow to others in ways that show them their worth and value. 

It is not the lack of physical love that is the challenge.  It is the absence of a fellow traveler.  It is the many hours alone where there was once a companion.  I will accept this state as I do with all things I cannot control.  I will walk on in faith.  I will, however, be honest about the pain. 

Operator (That’s Not the Way it Feels) – Jim Croce

Operator, well could you help me place this call?

See, the number on the matchbook is old and faded

She's living in L.A. with my best old ex-friend Ray

A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that

And give me the number if you can find it

So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show

I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well

I only wish my words could just convince myself

That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels

Operator, well could you help me place this call?

Well, I can't read the number that you just gave me

There's something in my eyes, you know it happens every time

I think about a love that I thought would save me

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that

And give me the number if you can find it

So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show

I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well

I only wish my words could just convince myself

That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels

No, no, no, no - that's not the way it feels

Operator, well let's forget about this call

There's no one there I really wanted to talk to

Thank you for your time, ah, you've been so much more than kind

And you can keep the dime

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that

And give me the number if you can find it

So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show

I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well

I only wish my words could just convince myself

That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Second Thoughts – Half Price Chocolate

Greetings Dear Reader,

Sometimes I will end the day with thoughts that are important to get out.  Usually I just write them and put them in my journal folder.  I have chosen that on occasion I will share them with you Dear Reader.

We all see the jokes on line about half price chocolate the day after Valentine’s Day.  My Daughter Christmas talked about it all week leading up to the event.  She has been ill so I elected to procure some discounted quality chocolate for her on Monday last.

As I stood in line at the merchant with an oversized, formerly overpriced heart-shaped box I was given several pithy comments.  One shopper observed to another that I must have “really screwed up” with my girl.  Another spoke directly to me offering that “a big box does not make up for being a day late.”

The pretty twenty-something cahier was less judgmental.  She inquired as to whether I just liked cheap expensive chocolate.   I thought her oxymoronic question charming.  I explained that my Daughter did and that she was too ill to venture out.  Her response was that she wished her dad loved her that much.  There was deep sadness in her eyes when she said it.

We endure some hard things to show love for others.  More often, however, we just go through odd things.  The negative assumptions of those who saw me with the giant heart box could not see my heart.   I got to share it with someone I encounter often.  I know I showed love to my Daughter.  I hope to get the same opportunity with this cashier.  She needs to see the Father’s love for her.  Perhaps I can help.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Singleness Awareness Day

Greetings Dear Reader,

Be assured this is not a rant against this celebration day (it is not a holy day so not a holiday).   Neither is it a diatribe against love, dating, or chocolate.  I happen to be very fond of all three.

I am having difficult time this year with the being alone part of Valentine’s Day.  I know all the standard reassurances and I believe that the Father knows what he is doing in caring for me in this area of my life. 

It is the feelings with which I am struggling.  Sharing those feelings is difficult because everyone thinks they know what I need to hear.   Everyone has an answer that is directed toward trusting God or reassuring me that I am a good guy and there is someone for me. 

None of this is new to me.  It is rather that there seems no one with whom I can address my feelings and get genuine understanding.  I refuse to use women to get my carnal and social needs met.  There is still, however, the long dark each night.  There are still the moments when I need a gentle touch or to share my heart with someone who gets me.

Living alone is still not something I do well half a year into it.  So this year as the day we celebrate romance approaches this romantic finds it difficult to endure.  Still in the midst of that I find the opportunity to increase my faith and renew my trust in the Father.  I know that he knows my needs.  I also know that he cares.   

My questions are not asked in doubt or anger.  They are born in faith that there are answers whether I like them or not.  I value that it gives me deeper understanding and empathy for those in a similar circumstance.  It does make me aware that there are those who need my compassion when they feel similar things.

There is no brilliant point or great direction here Dear Reader.  There is only the need to express my thoughts and questions in a way strengthens my faith and following as well as being genuine with you. 

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)