Second Thoughts – Unreconciled Grief

Greetings Dear Reader,

Sometimes I will end the day with thoughts that are important to get out.  Usually I just write them and put them in my journal folder.  I have chosen that on occasion I will share them with you Dear Reader.

Michelangelo's Pieta

I may have witnessed the best Good Friday service of my life tonight.  I wept through almost the entire service.  I only learned of it and decided to attend it today.  I went to a place that reverberates with pain and grief for me.  It was one of those times that the Spirit led and I obeyed even though the idea filled me with trepidation.

Once the performance started I forgot my own grief and pain.  The woman on stage managed to transport me to the first raw day of Mary’s grief after her Son, Jesus is crucified.  Why have I never really considered this before today? 

The pain she must have felt crashed around me and began to drown me in my own tears.  I was reminded acutely that Mary was a fallible flawed mother.  She had moments where she was demanding and unbelieving.  She thought at least once that her Son had gone mad.

What stays with me is that the writer had the courage to leave us without resolution.  The performance stopped with the grief still raw and real.  My grief over so many things is still the same.  There is no resolution to the death of my Daughter Rachel.  I still feel the pain of Avalon’s absence every day.  My Sons’ movement away from faith grinds me to dust some days. 

The difference is that there is peace in my pain.  Just like the writer of tonight’s service made clear there may never be and understanding of the pain and grief but in Christ there is a path to peace.  There is hope.  There is good to be found on this blackest of Fridays. 

I may never have the things I hope for in my grief.  I may never understand why the loneliness and pain I carry must be a part of my life.  I may not see the things I wish to see in the ones I love.  God, however, has assured me that there is peace in my pain.  He understands and will not let me face any of it alone.  For my part, like my friend Job, even if he slays me it will serve him.

I know I am not done weeping for the day.  I know I am not done weeping over this new understanding.  I know that it is only the darkness of Friday.  Time moves on an ocean of grief and loss whilst we wait for Sunday, but it moves and Sunday will come.  Someday the grief will be gone.  Someday the pain will pass.  The only way out is through and I do not have to do that alone.

Empty and Beautiful – Matt Maher

My past won't stop haunting me

In this prison there's a fight between

Who I am and who I used to be

This thorn in my side is a grace

For because of it the flesh and blood of God

Was offered in my place, my place

You fought the fight in me

You chased me down and finished the race

I was blind but now I see

Jesus You kept the faith in me

Where did my best friends go?

In my defense they disappeared

Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord

But You were there, You gave me strength

So this little one might come to know

The glory of Your name, Your name

You fought the fight in me

You chased me down and finished the race

I was blind but now I see

Jesus You kept the faith in me

Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart

A libation I'm pouring out

Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

You fought the fight in me

You chased me down and finished the race

I was blind but now I see

Jesus You kept the faith in me

You fought the fight in me

You chased me down and finished the race

I was blind but now I see

Jesus You kept the faith in me

Jesus You kept the faith in me

Savior, You kept the faith in me

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”

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