Riding a Nightmare

Greetings Dear Reader,

I awoke this morning from a horrid nightmare.  It is one that has been recurring for the last four years.  I know that it is not real.  I know that it is my mind trying to work out feelings of betrayal.  None of this lessens the fear and pain of the moment.  What I must do each time I have this nightmare is assure that it does not stem from retained anger or bitterness on my part.  The people involved are forgiven but like a physical wound this wound to my spirit still has not healed and the scarring is deep.

The one I follow forgave the people who murdered him as he was dying.  “Father forgive them.  They don’t know what they are doing.”  Following this example is sometimes very difficult.  I realized just last week that I had failed to fully forgive a coworker who had wronged me.  It came out in a moment of conversation and a single line of comment that was not untrue but was inappropriate.  In examining my action I realized that I had not forgiven and that is so very dangerous.

I dealt with the issue and realized how much it is necessary to keep very short accounts of every wrong.  So this brings me back to the nightmare.  I must have the courage to purge my own feelings of anger and hurt.  I know that the people involved in my nightmare are forgiven and that they do not realize the full extent of what they did.  So I wonder why this thing haunts me.  I no longer awake from it screaming although what occurs merits such.  It does drive me to Christ when it happens and that is always welcome. 

The thing that is positive in the shadow of this painful re-visitation is that I find myself embracing that it takes courage to follow Christ.  If I am to give over this deep dark place to him it takes courage.  If I am to follow fully I must endure the horror ridden reminder of betrayal with a pre-loaded disposition to ask, “Father forgive them, they don’t know what they did.” 

I can order my mind to soberly approach the perspective that I know this nightmare may happen again.  God knows it too.  He has already provided the grace necessary for me to have the right heart regarding things and the grace to redeem everyone involved.  So on the private canvas of night my mind will sometimes paint things that terrify me.  Sometimes these horror shorts will be related to real events.  I must examine honestly the source of such things and determine to follow Christ no matter the cost. This takes courage and he promises to provide that as well.

Like the fictional character that is my namesake, I must accept that even the nightmare can be tamed, ridden, and turned to the purpose of following Christ.  Since I cannot control the arrival I will ride him down the path to pursue Christ that much faster.

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn

Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store."