19 August 2018

Negating Needs ~ Home

Greetings Dear Reader,

I live in a nice apartment.  It is nowhere close to the abode I have dreamt of for so many decades.  That dream is long gone now.  Too much water is past under bridge for that vision to be realized without direct intervention from God.

Even though the place I live as nice, and affords a pool for my children and grandchildren to enjoy (the real reason I chose this place), I live alone.  In truth, this means that I’ve been homeless for three years.

Growing up the places I lived never felt like a home to me.  The abuse, strife, and lack of real love created a space that was never safe and from which I escaped as soon as I could.  I wandered for a while alone and unsure.  I almost lost myself then.

I returned to the place I grew up and foolishly reentered the household that did so much damage to me.  It was only for a short time because I was going to marry the girl I loved all through high school.  When I held our firstborn son and looked into my wife’s eyes for the first time I felt that it could be home.

All too soon I learned how patently unrewarding I must be as a companion.  I love my son and was determined not to visit upon him the same pains I had endured.  For a brief time, there was a feeling of home again after our second son arrived and I made progress in my career that allowed me time to be a good father.

Also growing in me was in the overwhelming need to provide a sense of home for others.  The light in me long to help others feel what I so desperately lacked for so many years.  The darkness in me use my concerns over the wellbeing of others to feed its desire to control.  The truth of the world is that no matter how much could you do at to beginning, when you fail it just does not matter.

Maybe I have missed a vital truth all along.  Maybe my need to feel at home is just to want created from the depths and sorrow of living and lonely fear for so long.  Perhaps in negating my needs that are not needs, I even need to abandon my desire to have a home; to feel it home.  Along the way every human that has promised to be part of my home has eventually rejected me and said that I was to blame.

The vital truth, Dear Reader is that this place, this world is not my home and perhaps if I give up all desire for it to have a any feel of home I can destroy that in me that others find so abhorrent.  We are all blind to the worst thing we do.  When those we claim to love fail we do not restore them in love.  We do not draw closer to them to help them heal.  We leave them alone in pain, sorrow, and salve our own hurts by judging them worse than we are.

It is not lost on me that it is three years to the day that I became homeless in my comfy little apartment.  I think I am done trying to seek any home but the one that lies at the clearing at the end of the journey.  That is where I am headed anyway and anything in between is just temporary shelter for a lonely traveler.

I Will Bring You Home – Michael Card

Though you are homeless
Though you're alone
I will be your home
Whatever's the matter
Whatever's been done
I will be your home
I will be your home
I will be your home
In this fearful fallen place
I will be your home
When time reaches fullness
When I move my hand
I will bring you home
Home to your own place
In a beautiful land
I will bring you home
I will bring you home
I will bring you home
From this fearful fallen place
I will bring you home
I will bring you home

Wishing you joy in the journey,

Aramis Thorn
Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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