Greetings Dear Reader,
From the end of March to the end of April I pass through some
dark anniversaries. The two most
significant are the death of my sister and the death of my Daughter. One is at the end of March and the other is
at the end of April. I do not speak of
them often but they are ever-present companions in my journey.
We suffer loss and often wish to know why or even demand from
God that he tell us why. Death evokes
deep painful questioning that rarely gives us the answers we want. It is also there to remind us that we are not
free. We have a measure of freedom but do
not have control over the measure of our lives.
In seeking to know why we are seeking justification for
loss outside of our control. We rarely make
good decisions in the grasp of pain and grief.
We cast blame and judgment as a way of emoting our pain. The losses of people I love have hurt me
deeply. When I lost my Grandfather, I became
angry at the Father for some time. I became
dangerously angry and a part of my young heart never recovered.
In truth, I have never understood why I lost these people
when I did. I do know that other humans
have hurt me over these losses. They
have used the absence of those I love to judge me and cause me harm. I was cut off from my Grandfather as a boy
and informed of his death as a passing remark.
Recently, someone I love deeply who never knew my Grandfather, angrily
told me that he would be ashamed of who I am.
When my sister died, I was scolded for not being sad enough
and punished for not feeling the “way I should” about it. As I stood in a hospital hallway when my
daughter died, I was damaged again. Someone who should have been there to comfort
me said, “It is just too bad that you did not have enough faith for your child
to live.” They were judging me and
saying it was my lack of faith that killed my child.
My current response to all of this is that I do not get to
know why. I do not get to know why I
lost these ones I loved so suddenly and unexpectedly. Further, I do not get to know why those who
should have been loving fellow travelers were instead, unkind and hurtful. I do, however, know that I refuse to falsely
blame the Father for my losses. I refuse
to forget that God knows how things will unfold and allows what he does in the
light of that purpose.
I cannot salve everyone’s pain even though I wish I
could. Learning to follow Christ means to
see that knowing why is not essential to having faith. It is important that I keep in mind that
demanding reasons is not what makes my faith reasonable. I remember that angrily wanting to know the
why of loss does not heal my pain. No
answer is good enough when death is what I am experiencing.
Following Christ is seeing that every death diminishes me
and requires that I strengthen my faith.
When others use death to cause me harm, I need to respond to them in
love and lead with forgiveness. Whatever
pain drives them to do or say what they do, it is my obligation to work at being
unoffendable and showing genuine love at every encounter. We may not get to know why Dear Reader. We can, however, walk better through pain and
loss if we refuse to demand and insist on the why of it. I will walk with you and ask that you travel
with me as well. We can discuss the why
as long as we agree that we may not discover it; as long as we understand that
it is not why that we need, but rather who.
Heaven
(All Around You) – Apollo LTD
Close your eyes, tell me what you see
Standing on the edge, earth beneath our feet
I loved you like a lamb
And I fought just like a soldier
Made love like we were young
But honey we're only getting older
When we turn to dust
You know I'm right behind you
Cause when we both die
I'll never be more alive than when I'm right beside you
You know what I
meant when I said I couldn't live without you
You know what I
meant when I said heavens all around you
Seen the devil at the altar
And God inside a bar
Heard the whiskey-soaked confession
Of a broken man and his guitar
I have been made whole
Yet the world has torn me apart
Walked a million miles
But honey I don't know where to start
You know what I meant when I said I couldn't live without
you
You know what I meant when I said heavens all around you
Wishing you joy in the journey,
Aramis Thorn
Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every
writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a
homeowner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure
store.”
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Every human story is part of the great story that leads
to the Father getting everything back to Good.
Contacts for Aramis
Thorn:
#aramisthorn
Bookings: aramisthorn@aramisthorn.com
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