I read a quote recently that I had to ponder for a bit. This gratitude story revolves around a truth
that is central to everything about becoming better at all the things that
matter. The first quote that got my mind
turning around this idea is “remember that you are the villain in someone
else’s story.” In truth, I am.
Some of the people I have failed see me this way. Their anger and pain, partially caused by me,
is focused on the things that I did wrong.
I do not dispute that. I am
seeking forgiveness where I can and seeking to become a better man. It is important that I make it clear that no
current improvement or awareness lessens the wrongness of my wrong.
There is a way out of every wrong thought, attitude, and
action. This part of the journey is
teaching me that with some infections one must debride much necrotic tissue in
order to find what can heal. The
debriding process is very painful and odious.
Here is the quote that made me realize that I am in the throes of this
debriding process:
“You will never get
the truth out of a Narcissist. The closest you will ever come is a story that
either makes them the victim or the hero, but never the villain.” ― Shannon L. Alder
I am determined to own my failures and offer my regrets,
apologies, and restitution where I can.
When I arrived here, I had to be open with people about that part of my
journey. As a dear friend who has
rejected me said so clearly, “I am no hero.”
She is right. I am not a victim
in this area either. I made wrong
choices that hurt others. I failed my
family, my friends, and those who looked to me for an example. The sin is on me where I made those choices.
I told a friend who lovingly responded to my request for
forgiveness, “I am not asking you to trust me.”
I do not wish to lead or be trusted.
I wish to be invisible except for the few areas left in me that can
reflect Christ. The cure for narcissism
is Jesus. As his cousin John said, “I am not worthy to unfasten his sandal…He
(Jesus) must increase and I must decrease.”
Some will see this and claim that I am playing the martyr or
the victim. I am not. I am walking through all the places that
drive my inner fear in order to debride them.
When I told some people close to me that my greatest fear has always
been being alone, they immediately found ways to abandon me. I can see why they chose to do this. It was the first step in the Father excising
the necrotic tissue around my heart that kept me from letting him teach me that
he is always there for me. I have not
learned it yet but I am closer than I was.
I am learning to be alone and to value that time.
I am the villain in some stories. In some of those cases I deserve it. My desire is to use this to see the villains
in my stories and find a way to extend to them the same love and grace that I
need from those I have wronged. I am not
the victim or the hero.
The victims are the moments of love, kindness, and grace
that we need to show to each other. The
hero in the story is Jesus who promises to restore us all from our deepest
dead-tissue hearts. He assures us that
he will make all things right again if we will allow him to debride us and heal
our wounds.
Wishing you joy in the journey,
Aramis Thorn
Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, "That is why every
writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a
home owner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure
store.”
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
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